magnacumlarvae

Almost back

2009-12-18T10:58:00.000-08:00

Gone fishing

2009-06-24T10:21:00.000-07:00

I've am deep inside my head doing some much needed cleaning. I'll be back. I hope you will too. Anyone?

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone

2009-02-16T05:13:00.001-08:00

Three years ago this month my sister past away. She was diagnosed in October with ovarian cancer that by the time they found it had already spread throughout her abdomen and into her lungs. 3 months later she was gone. She decided to take on the fight and endured a couple of days of chemo which left her with open sores in her mouth and throat the size of quarters. Her doctor informed her then that it would not help to do any more. She was in the hospital for weeks. My family and I set up camp in a motel near the hospital and watched over her. She and her partner of 10 years decided to marry just in case there was anything to the 'living in sin' thing. They had always planned to anyway. He bought her a really beautiful ring. We bought her a bouquet (pictured above). The hospital decorated a conference room with flowers, and arranged for a platter of fresh fruit, crackers, cheese and coffee. We helped her dress and put her in a wheelchair along with her IVs of meds and pain killers. All 97 lbs. of her. We had a small, short, very emotional ceremony officiated by a dear friend of hers that was a minister. There was just her sweet heart, my mom, my only other sister, my dad and myself in attendance. My father got to do the traditional 'giving away the bride' which was extra charged as we all knew we were losing her soon. After 20 minutes or so she was back in her hospital room in bed with only this bouquet (pictured here) and a sparkling ring on her finger to show that anything had taken place but I swear she was glowing. She and her now husband were very close and he stayed by her bedside attending to her every whim. 5 weeks later on February 4th at home in her own bed with my mother, my other sister and her husband at her side she slipped into a coma and died. We buried her on a bitterly cold, snowy day. ( My late husbands birthday actually. He passed away in 2001 of complications from his 30 year battle with MS.) Part of me wanted to be there and the other part wanted to be in the car with the heater on high. Then it was over. 3 years have flown by since. I've gotten over my anger and frustration at not being able to save her. But the sorrow keeps eating at my heart. I've come to realize that I never really knew her at all. She was very private and keep a nice stone garden wall between us. I can only imagine now. Just another reason why it's hard to find the exit from my bed these days.

undercover

2009-02-12T04:42:00.000-08:00

It's dark.
Windy, rainy, melty, muddy.
Flurries back and forthing with rain.
I can't find the exit from my bed
I'm going down
with my
eiderdown.

Oh yeah...

and a happy new year

2008-12-31T14:42:00.001-08:00

I'm off for my traditional new year's eve celebration staying with the kids while the adults go do what ever. . We will have ice cream, popcorn, pop and bunk on the floor with pillows and blankets, watch movies and try to stay awake until midnight. This will be the 31st year. Whew, I'm am old!! I forget. It is freezing here on the tundra. A good night to stay in and be warm and cozy.

For everyone out there hoping for a better year starting tomorrow I hope it is. To the rest of us I say hang in there, carry on, find someone to rant to, make noise and write letters to your congress men and women and senators and drop by now and then.

and,
whoknew.

Silence no more

2008-12-14T21:20:00.000-08:00

Let this lift your heart

2008-11-30T10:41:00.000-08:00

How do you do?

2008-11-29T21:22:00.000-08:00

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2008
You are welcome

I am rather new at this. I leave comments everywhere but have not yet set up my own blog. No particular reason. I felt like I didn't have time. I'm an addicted reader. Not so with writing.

Recently, slowly I've been crawling out from under a rock where I've been for the last 7 years grieving the death of my truest love and dearest companion. The challenge has been to find a new life. A new self. Not to go back to the life and person I was before but create a new one. Sounds like a good opportunity in a lot of ways except making it through the dreaded sorrow of all that I miss. There is sooo much. But time passing has made the difference just as I've heard from everyone, everywhere. There really is no instructions or path for this. At least I didn't find one. I personally just needed to let it lead me where it would. I have a lot of respect for the process itself. So here I am. Not healed but present in the world. And what a place it is eh? What a time to be in. I'm back again still.

Later.

Labels: Another new beginning again

2008-11-18T04:55:00.000-08:00

who knew.
POSTED BY WHO KNEW? AT 6:48 PM 0 COMMENTS
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 2008

Is she still around?
I'm afraid to look. Is she gone yet? Do we have to hear one more thing about Sarah Palin. Yes she was a fairly brave woman to go out in public and be soooo umm republican. But didn't she show us all on her own what she knew and didn't know. Do we have to keep talking it about it? Everywhere, all over. Leave her an article or two of nice clothing, a few pairs of multi thousand dollar shoes, bless her and her family and let's forget all about them up there in Alaska by the sea, way up north by Russia. It's over. Done. I'm done. If one more person winks at me I'm going to want to smack them. Enough with the winking please. It wasn't cute when Sarah did it and it isn't funny any more. Okay? Okay. Once Minnesota has it's recount we can put it all to rest eh? Go Al.

Now what else is new? If you like visually beautiful films and enjoy listening to Mandarin and reading subtitles I suggest "The Promise" (or "Wu ji" in it's primary language) for your viewing pleasure. It's fantasy, myth, and low on message but I was taken out of my world for a while and came back pleased. There is a very catchy piece of singing at the beginning of the end credits (yes, the beginning of the end credits) that I can still hear in my head. Which is nice because the guy downstairs from me is listening to something a little too loud and youthful for me to appreciate. He's very nice though and I know he won't keep it up too long.

And that's all I have to say on this day.