Almost back

Gone fishing

I've am deep inside my head doing some much needed cleaning. I'll be back. I hope you will too. Anyone?

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone

Three years ago this month my sister past away. She was diagnosed in October with ovarian cancer that by the time they found it had already spread throughout her abdomen and into her lungs. 3 months later she was gone. She decided to take on the fight and endured a couple of days of chemo which left her with open sores in her mouth and throat the size of quarters. Her doctor informed her then that it would not help to do any more. She was in the hospital for weeks. My family and I set up camp in a motel near the hospital and watched over her. She and her partner of 10 years decided to marry just in case there was anything to the 'living in sin' thing. They had always planned to anyway. He bought her a really beautiful ring. We bought her a bouquet (pictured above). The hospital decorated a conference room with flowers, and arranged for a platter of fresh fruit, crackers, cheese and coffee. We helped her dress and put her in a wheelchair along with her IVs of meds and pain killers. All 97 lbs. of her. We had a small, short, very emotional ceremony officiated by a dear friend of hers that was a minister. There was just her sweet heart, my mom, my only other sister, my dad and myself in attendance. My father got to do the traditional 'giving away the bride' which was extra charged as we all knew we were losing her soon. After 20 minutes or so she was back in her hospital room in bed with only this bouquet (pictured here) and a sparkling ring on her finger to show that anything had taken place but I swear she was glowing. She and her now husband were very close and he stayed by her bedside attending to her every whim. 5 weeks later on February 4th at home in her own bed with my mother, my other sister and her husband at her side she slipped into a coma and died. We buried her on a bitterly cold, snowy day. ( My late husbands birthday actually. He passed away in 2001 of complications from his 30 year battle with MS.) Part of me wanted to be there and the other part wanted to be in the car with the heater on high. Then it was over. 3 years have flown by since. I've gotten over my anger and frustration at not being able to save her. But the sorrow keeps eating at my heart. I've come to realize that I never really knew her at all. She was very private and keep a nice stone garden wall between us. I can only imagine now. Just another reason why it's hard to find the exit from my bed these days.

undercover

It's dark.
Windy, rainy, melty, muddy.
Flurries back and forthing with rain.
I can't find the exit from my bed
I'm going down
with my
eiderdown.

Oh yeah...

and a happy new year

I'm off for my traditional new year's eve celebration staying with the kids while the adults go do what ever. . We will have ice cream, popcorn, pop and bunk on the floor with pillows and blankets, watch movies and try to stay awake until midnight. This will be the 31st year. Whew, I'm am old!! I forget. It is freezing here on the tundra. A good night to stay in and be warm and cozy.

For everyone out there hoping for a better year starting tomorrow I hope it is. To the rest of us I say hang in there, carry on, find someone to rant to, make noise and write letters to your congress men and women and senators and drop by now and then.

and,
whoknew.

Silence no more